


A Fish Tale 1.5: 2 Wet 2 Wild

by WerewulfTherewulf



Series: Surf & Turf [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Cuddles, M/M, Mer!Fíli, Recreational Drug Use, Silly Mer shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-02 11:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5247260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's short but too long? These one-shots! They're short little tidbits from the Fish Tale gang that don't fit in with the actual plot timeline! So they belong with the rest of the trash, right here!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Side-stories yeah! These are just small Mer things that just... don't belong in the actual fic and also provide backstory to some random scenes. So if you want an explanation for say... who Fili's Grandma is and how he adopted her, let me know! I'll also take prompts! Send them to me here or @ Lindir-Official if you want to see some Mer boys doing something oddly specific!  
> Reminder! Bold speech is Khuzdul!

**“So just take the pan and-- yes, perfect, just like that, see how well that flipped? Beautiful.”**  
  
Fili glanced up and smiled at Chef Ramsay, glowing at the praise. He and Kili stood behind the same large island, several cooking implements and ingredients strewn about before them. They were standing on pink cotton candy cloud platforms, and their hair was floating above them from the flow of the clear ocean water. A starfish drifted by in front of Fili’s face, and he grabbed it and plucked off the red tentacle legs, chopping them up like a pro. He dropped them into his bowl of salad and tossed it up a bit, ignoring the leaves of seaweed and kelp floating away.  
  
While Fili was focused on his own work, Kili couldn’t keep his eyes off him. He kept becoming mesmerized with everything Fili was doing and was sending flirty googoo eyes his way.

 **“Make sure you keep an eye on your grilled urchin, it gets too tough if on the heat for too long.”** Chef Ramsay pointed to Fili’s stove.

 **“Yes Chef!”** Fili replied, hurrying over to it and turning down the heat.

Chef Ramsay nodded and stepped over to Kili, who was doing a lot worse of a job than Fili, even when he wasn’t trying to impress Fili by flexing his biceps and pecs.

 **“Ouch!”** he hissed as he nicked his finger with his knife. Chef Ramsay tsked and shook his head.

 **“Watch yourself.”** he said.

Kili nodded, running a webbed hand through his hair. He tried to mimic Fili and grabbed his pan with frying clownfish, jerking the cast-iron skillet in hopes of flipping the filet. Instead, it flew straight at the Chef, spraying the man with hot oil.

**“Layman! Careful! Enough is enough. You’re not good enough to be Erebor’s next Master Chef Junior.”**

Chef Ramsay swam back a step and crossed his arms, shaking his head solemnly at little Kili and his bright sunshine yellow tail.

“N-No! I can do better! Promise!” Kili’s voice broke as he pleaded, and he quaked in his fins.

 **“It’s too late for that.”** Chef Ramsay snapped. **“Away with you, now.”** he demanded, sweeping his arm to the left. Out of nowhere, a giant sea star sunk down and grabbed Kili’s face. A large swirling, purple rift opened up in the oceanscape next to the little brunet. Wee Fili began racing over, his arm stretched out, grasping for his companion. Kili was just out of his grasp though as the wriggling star dragged him closer and closer to the rift.

 **“Kili!”** Fili shouted, launching himself forward with one last burst of strength. He managed to slam his hand directly on the seastar, getting a good grip on it. He yanked it off and away and tugged Kili back to safety. He pulled the brunet against him, embracing him tightly. **“Kili, are you okay?!”**

“Fuck!”  


_**Thud.** _

A groan.  
  
“What the fuck…”

Fili brought his arms up by his head and _streeettcched_ , turning his head to look at Kili. Or rather, the spot that Kili had been when they fell asleep last night.

“Kili? Where are you?” he asked, sitting up and looking around.

“I’m on the fucking floor. You punched me in the face in your sleep and I fell off the bed!” Kili’s wayward voice explained. Fili waited about a minute for Kili to crawl back up under the sheets with him, but it didn’t happen.

“You coming back?” he threw the sheets off himself and dragged himself to look over the edge at Kili. He was laying on his stomach and was resting his head on his arms, his eyes closed.

“No.” he grunted. “Comfy now.”

Fili sighed and looked away. Then he sat up and slid off the bed, bringing with him the sheet and a pillow. He made himself comfortable on the cold wooden floor next to Kili and covered them both with the sheet, basking in the warmth of the brown-haired furnace next to him. With one last look at his sleeping form, Fili let his eyes fall shut, and let his mind whisk him back away to his dreams.

He opened his eyes and was laying on his back in a swamp, floating down the murky river. Relaxing on his stomach were several tiny birds, and the sun blared down on them, warming Fili's face and his dark, leathery tail. A faint banjo tune played in the distance, which Fili enjoyed as he drifted along silently.


	2. Chapter 2

A continuation of [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4064293/chapters/9730152) chapter :)

 

* * *

 

 

Kili rolled the dice and moved his dog piece to its new space. It was day two of three into Fili’s slow transformation back into a two-legger. 

“So this… mermaid thing,” he gestured to Fili’s lower half, lying uncomfortably in the sand. He thought about getting him a blanket to lay on, sometime later.

“Mhm?” Fili looked up after moving his top hat. He let out a little cheer as he landed on the ‘Free Parking’ space. He didn’t quite know what the words meant, but the pictures he understood: take the money!

“You guys just… sprout your legs and do what you want?” Kili asked.

Fili shrugged, but nodded. “Yes. We just like you, but gooder swimmers,” he explained.

Kili snorted and elbowed him playfully.

“Are there others here? In Hawaii?”

“Yeah! Lots. Lindir is mermaid. Elrond,” Fili scowled briefly, “I see others some days at town. It is nice.”

“Yeah but… how do you get away with it? How haven’t you guys gotten caught yet?” Kili asked, grimacing as he rolled doubles for the third time-- jail for him. He moved his piece accordingly.

“Caught? Yes, it happens. But your king knows us, keeps us secret. All your important people knows us and is telled to keeps us secret too.”

“Oh.” was all Kili said.

“Yes, oh. Gimme my monies, gimp,” Fili demanded when Kili landed on one of his properties.

They played the next few rounds quietly, the soothing sound of the waves and wind in the palms surrounding them.

“So what if I wanted to be a mermaid too?” Kili asked, staring at Fili. Fili looked up at him.

“Okay? What about it?”

“Like… can it happen? Can I be a mermaid too?”

Fili looked back down at the board and took his turn.

“I don’t know. I never see it done but my Uncle knows.”

Kili perked up. “Oh! Cool! I’m not saying I want it to happen to me but like, maybe you could ask him some time? I’m pretty curious.”

Fili didn’t reply for some time.

“No. I do not talk to him, he is… a cunty assfuck.”

Kili’s eyebrows shot to his forehead.

“Well, okay then! Good to know.” he said awkwardly.


	3. Chapter 3

Fili shook the last drop from his dick and put himself away by getting redressed. Soon he was back in his pink fish-scale leggings, white shorts and pink graphic t-shirt and standing at the bathroom sink, washing his hands. After wetting them, he turned to get a pump of soap. Once was enough for he got plenty of it. But before he began scrubbing away, he did a double take at the squirt sitting in his palm. It smelled very nice, and was a runny, translucent white color.

He brought his hand closer to his face so he could really get a good look at what he was seeing.

He sniffed it again (lavender!) then looked at its source; a tall plastic bottle with purple labels. Fili squinted his eyes, then chanced a gander down at his crotch.

This stuff came out of his penis on a regular basis! Sure, it didn’t smell quite as nice, but if Rosemary was actively paying for this stuff then Fili could definitely hook her up to save her some money.

He turned and peeked out the bathroom door. He could see Bard sipping at his tea while Rosemary animatedly told him and Kili about the time she braided The Queen’s hair.

“Kili!” he hissed. Bard looked up at him, tilting his head in confusion. “Kiliiiiii!” Fili repeated.

Kili popped his head into the doorway. Fili ushered him over.

“C’mere!”

Kili’s eyebrow rose higher and higher until it was in his hairline. Then his head disappeared for a second to put down his tea and get up and hurry over to Fili. The blond yanked him into the bathroom and shut the door behind them.

“Fili what the hell?”

Fili grabbed the bottle of soap and thrust it into Kili’s hands.

“Look at this!” he said. “Rosie is  _ paying _ for this! We can just get it to her free!”

Kili examined the bottle. “What, soap? Where are you going to get soap?”

“Not soap! Jizz! Look, it is jizz!”

Kili’s face scrunched up in confusion and horror.

“ _ What?? _ ” he asked, putting the soap back onto the counter. “What are you going to do, stick your dick in a bottle and spill your spunk in it?”

“Hmm, maybe…”

“Fili I was joking!! That isn’t jizz, it’s just soap!”

Fili looked like he didn’t believe Kili.

“Fili, it’s fucking soap,” Kili laughed, “Unfortunately colored and textured soap, but it’s soap! Forget about it. And don’t let me walk in on you one day to find you jackin’ it into a bottle.” he tugged on Fili’s hand, but the blond slapped Kili away playfully. They went back out to the living room.

“Everything alright, boys?” Rosemary asked kindly, blinking behind her massively-magnified glasses.

“Yeah! Fili was just being weird.” Kili explained, grabbing his tea and handing Fili his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have coupons for free coffee, but they HAVE to redeem them today because they'll be expired tomorrow! Shame there's also a hurricane going on around them.

Fili squinted into his wallet, brow furrowed.

“Yo what’s up?” Kili asked him as he slipped on his shoes.

“I’m missing a money. A ten money.”

Kili, leaning against the wall as he struggled to get his right foot into the shoe, looked up.

“You probably just spent it on something earlier and forgot about it, at that sushi place that still lets you in maybe.”

“Yeah maybe. You should put on a socks or you’ll get ouch on your foots.”

Kili finally relented and sat down on the floor to use both hands to get his shoes on properly, replying to Fili without looking up at him.

“You’re one to talk. You don’t even wear shoes and your feet look like shit! I-- hey, what the fuck happened to your feet? They look pristine and majestic, they looked fucking awful last night, what did you do?”

Fili hunched up his shoulders and looked down at his feet, wiggling his toes.

“Gramma takes me with her to a really really good foots lady. She has really nice foots lotion.”

Kili stared hard at Fili’s feet for a moment longer, then stood up with a grunt.

“All right, let’s go. The weather’s turning to shit and I don’t want to get caught in the hurricane.”

 

 

The wind whipped the boys’ hair around as they sat together outside the cafe at their small metal table. The sky was grey, the wind was strong, the general public was rushing to get home. But Fili and Kili had their free frappuccinos and that’s all that really mattered (along with the Chinese they picked up on the way because Kili was hungry). They talked together about their plans when they got home and about what movies were worth seeing in theaters, watching the animals sprint for cover while they hurriedly forked scalding hot noodles into their mouths in a frantic bid to ingest them before the hurricane winds made them unbearably cold.

Fili glanced up and did a double take at the road as he watched a crab scuttle by while his mouth stayed agape, noodles inches away. He put down his fork and narrowed his eyes.

“Wh-- Hang your horse, what the fuck?” he said, standing slightly.

“What, what is it?” Kili asked, trying to find what Fili was watching. Fili raised his arm and followed the crab with his finger.

“That  _ crab _ ,” Fili spat, because there is no worse insult than being a crab, “is on to a blender with cigs and a money. A ten money.  _ My ten money! _ ”

He leaped up fully and sped off after the crimson crustacean. 

Kili sat back, baffled. After the winds smacked a noodle from Fili’s forgotten fork fiercely onto his face (flushed from the freezing flurry), Kili remembered his own lo mein and set back into it. The instant a noodle touched his tongue, Kili’s face scrunched up in horror and he spit the offending morsel away. It was way too cold to eat now. He tossed the container into the nearby trash can, along with Fili’s and their coffees.

He stood from the table and waited patiently for the blond to show back up. When he did, it was with several red pinch marks on his hands, face and exposed torso. Kili grinned.

“You get it?” he asked.

Out of breath, Fili nodded, smiling along Kili.

“Yeah, got the fucker real good,” he laughed almost sinisterly. Kili pat him on the shoulder.

“That’s great buddy, but did you get the money too? Because we need to pay for the giant cookies we’re about to buy.”

“Yeah, yeah got the monies, is right here, look,”

“Cool, cool. Let’s go.”


	5. Chapter 5

A followup of [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4064293/chapters/10278372) chapter :)

 

* * *

 

 

Fili followed behind Kili dutifully, gawping at all the animals they passed.

Today, they were at the zoo. The sun was out, it was sweltering hot, no clouds were in the sky. Insects were buzzing all around, the sounds of animals and music and people was absolutely overwhelming, and there were sweaty people _everywhere_.

If not for all the exotic animals, merchandise and misters, Fili would’ve jumped into the orca tank and hidden forever. Kili didn’t mind it all so much, having visited the zoo with his parents several times over the years.

What he didn’t mind was Fili pointing at every single animal and asking if he could see how they feel. No matter how many times he told Fili that **_no_ ** , he absolutely could not go through the employees only corridor, into the exhibit and _chill_ with the _fucking_ polar bears because do you remember the fucking pictures of gored polar bear victims you and Kili accidentally saw on the internet, Fili?

After an hour and a half of Fili pointing and asking to take really close selfies with dangerous animals, Kili had had enough.

“You want to touch animals and act like a child about it? Fine. Let’s go to the fucking petting zoo. Come on, you tart.”

“Lions? It is lions, yes? It is have to be lions. Lions are bee tits.”

“Yyyyup, lions are the beeeeee’s titties.” Kili replied absentmindedly, more focused on finding a safe route to lead Fili through.

When they arrived, Fili was less than enthused. He pointed to each and every type of animal there and named them in a deadpan voice.

“Goat. Ship. Yama mamas. Buns. Smol cows. Duck. Really? This is shit, Kili.”

Kili rolled his eyes and sighed loudly.

“Fili, come on, man,” he groaned. “You wanted to touch some fucking animals, we’re gonna touch some fucking animals. Get your booty in here.” he ordered, smacking Fili’s butt and nudging him inside.

The two of them were giants among the forest of tiny children, excluding the volunteer who was keeping everyone in line.

“Now, just stroke the goat here gently, from his neck down to his little butt!” she instructed, causing the entire group to giggle and reach for the handful of goats hanging around, waiting for pats and food. All except Fili. Fili was stood there amongst the giggling children and Kili, looking pale and uncomfortable. He raised his hand slowly.

“Yes? A question, sir?” the volunteer pointed to him.

“Um… yiss. G-gentles? Pet goat with gentles?” Fili asked, barely above a whisper.

Kili snorted and answered for her. All around them the children went ahead and began petting and feeding the animals. “Yes, gently. Don’t like, beat on the goat or whack it or something, that’s cruel.”

Fili turned and stared at Kili, eyes wide as saucers.

“Uuhhh… Kili? I do not think I want to do this at all.”

Kili’s face fell flat.

“Really? Come on, Fili. It’s just goats.”

Fili shook his head adamantly. “I am not-- I am not putting my _gentles_ on _that!_ ” he spat.

“Wait. Your… gentles?” Kili asked slowly.

“Yes!” Fili stomped his foot and gestured to his crotch. “ _Gentles_!”

Kili buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“Ohhhh god. Fili no! Fili, _no!_ ”

“Fili yes!” the blond looked uncomfortable and confused.

“Fili… Fili… no. Those aren’t-- okay, look.” Kili brought himself close up to Fili and began whispering in his ear. Fili’s face gradually became more and more red. He sputtered.

“I din’t know! _I din’t know!_ You and Mom say this! I ask and you say--!”

Kili pulled Fili into his arms and shushed his poor, humiliated boyfriend.

“Fili, hey. It’s okay. Just a misunderstanding, and now you know, right? Right.”

Fili just kept his red hot face hidden in Kili’s neck. He mumbled something into Kili’s skin.

Kili rested his head on Fili’s.

“‘Kay how about this. We _gently_ pet the animals here… then we go home and maybe not so gently act like the two zebras we saw earlier?” he mumbled quietly to the blond. Kili felt a sudden, strong grip on his ass. “Welp I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, I am alive. I AM, shockingly. There will be a new chapter of AFT very, very soon, I fucking promise, you guys. AND a Christmas special. Just... in time. Soon time.


End file.
